I’m sad today

Today is a sad day. Back in February I wrote Ferry across the Mersey « mrscmonkey’s Blog. It’s about the fabulous man Krakatoa married after my parents divorced.

Today is full of events. This morning the ferry was stopped midway across the Mersey so his ashes could be scattered; this afternoon there is his book launch; and tonight a celebration party. My husband and I were invited and Krakatoa wasn’t. My husband has gone to represent us both.

There’s a little app on iPhone that lets you see where friends and family are and I managed to catch him just as the ferry was midway crossing the Mersey.

 

I’m sad because I want to be there and it’s my fault I’m not. Social Anxiety and depression have got in my way. I just didn’t know what to say when people said to me ‘how did you know Brian?’. I don’t want to admit that I’m Krakatoa’s daughter, someone they all hate, but that is my link to him.

I’m very sad.

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Categories: Health, Life, Troubles of the mind! | Tags: , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “I’m sad today

  1. Graceful.Hope

    I’m thinking of you today Monkey. Don’t feel guilty that you couldn’t go. You wanted to you couldn’t. I’m sure he would have understood that, no matter K is disliked you aren’t her and never will be xx

  2. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I’m sorry things are so tough. I don’t know what else to say. But you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Yes, it’s a shame that you aren’t there. But today is just ONE day. He would understand I’m understand. You have your memories and I’m sure you will always treasure them. x

  3. I think the important part about today is remembering Brian and celebrating him, you don’t have to be there to do that. You are not just K’s daughter you were Brian’s step-daughter, someone he obviously cared a lot for as do his family otherwise you would have not have gotten an invite.

    You cannot say it is your fault you are not there as if it is a conscious decision, you are not choosing to suffer with SA and depression. If you had broken both legs and couldn’t go would you blame yourself? If you were truly able to go you would have been there.

  4. Be kind to yourself. Talk to him, as if he were there and tell him how you feel? He will understand. I’m sorry you are down. Empathy to you. XO

    • I don’t really want to use the diazepam psych prescribed but I’m getting all wound up so I’ve taken one. I’d like to be in a non thinking trance right now and watch something stupidly mind numbing.

  5. Israel

    I’m sad for you babe, people without this type of anxiety just don’t realize how hard it is for people like us to do stuff we want to.

    He sounds like he was a good man, we should all be considered lucky to have met a man like him. We are with you in spirit good lady and our prayers go with you.

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